Growing up, my parents indirectly taught me emotional and mental health are not valuable – this is something passed down in my family generation after generation. After a while, people aren’t even aware they’re gifting this energy to their children. I heard many things like, “Cry for a day, and then it’s time to get over it.” or “It’s been days now; you’re still upset about that?” So, I quickly learned the pattern of denying myself to feel.
When my parents didn’t teach it, I heard it from other family members, friends, adults, and society. “Don’t cry over no one,” ” Don’t let anyone see you cry,” “Never show anger.” I remember thinking, I’m tired of portraying a “strong” person; I’m ready to cry,” but, you guys, I didn’t cry. It took me 12 years of meditation and shadow work to understand it is okay for me to cry and not feel terrible about it.
After experiencing that release, I dove head first into Buddhism, Spiritual Alchemy, meditation, and other things. I practiced being here in the now, not catching up in emotion, and practicing detachment. I quickly moved past those emotions and focused on loving the person or thing I believed at the time, bringing this emotion out of me. I could tell myself, “No, Erica, feel Love.” Two years later (the present), I said, “Wait a minute. This energy feels so familiar.” Oh my God, I’m doing it again; I just found a new way to deny myself permission to feel.
I was using spirituality to escape my feelings. I was seeing spirituality as I was – locked out of my emotion. Detachment? I can “detach” from my emotion, but my definition of detachment was to stuff it all down. The seven steps of Alchemy where I break down the ego? Yeah, sure, I can break down my ego and emotions, but I used those seven steps to, again, bury my feelings.
I believed I wasn’t supposed to feel anger, pain, grief, or jealousy, but the truth is I am to Feel everything. I constantly work to permit myself to feel. We don’t speak enough about the importance of feeling. It is feeling that will help us understand ourselves and then help us release our emotions. Feel, understand, and let go.
I work hard to understand I have a right to my emotions, but sometimes I get caught up and feel that lump in my throat. When this happens, a moment I shared with my mom always pops up. I was 17, and my girlfriend had just broken up with me. I felt burning in my chest, then my throat, then my eyes, and I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer. I cried so hard. My mom’s ex-husband said, “Erica, are you crying over him?” My mom came to my rescue and said, “Mike. She probably really loved her. Let her cry.” I cried even harder, partly for my ex and somewhat because my mom spoke on emotion.
When I have my moments of not permitting myself to feel, I think about that memory because my mom encouraged me to feel in that moment.
It’s not only important, but it’s crucial for our mental, emotional, and physical health. Allowing ourselves to feel all the feelings invites healing and exposes our beautiful core. It is such a stunning transformation. Emotions are healthy!
EricaChinise
Erica Chinise Art 