Have you ever felt so emotional that one thing could make all of your locked chambers of emotion blow? Do you feel close to what may give you relief but can’t grasp it for some reason? Then you see that that “some reason” is you? Or maybe you hide that from yourself.
For the past few weeks, I’ve cried out loud alone and even balled my eyes out in public places. Don’t mind me while I’m in this restaurant wailing and shoving salmon in my mouth. The image you have right now is more than likely how it looked.
So, where are the bursts of tears coming from and the cries for help? I finally realize it is a detachment that I seek. I craved detachment. I want to be detached from everything that introduces chaos in my life. That includes me. Wait, what? Yes, me!
I finished reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and, let me tell ya, I saw myself in Every chapter. I’m sure you felt the same for anyone else who has read the book. You probably share my reactions, “Wow, these people need to do some shadow work and self-exploring.” Then, “Oh damn… I am people.”
I’m not saying to lock my feelings away in a well and hide the key. I’m saying I’m creating detachment from the patterns I’ve created for safety. I’m making healthy detachments from others in my life – It means you’re there loving the person and respecting your peace and their life. It means you do not try to live their lives for them.
I’m sure that stress, drama, and trauma are in every family. But, man, my family has been in overdrive for the past few months. Honestly, I believe “Live in Chaos” is the name of the game for my family, but it may feel worse for me because the changes I make for myself do not have room for chaos – This encouraged me to turn to “Codependent No More.”
As I read Melody’s book, I realized I kept myself around chaos. It didn’t matter who it was from – family, friends, Ash, who lives down the street, Will Smith, etc. I put myself into the chaos because it did two things: It made me feel wanted and needed, even though it wrecked my peace, and it allowed me to prove to others and myself that I am worthy of love and greatness. For so long, I believed I stuck around others’ chaos because I was a caretaker and a savior, but it turns out it was me not respecting and loving myself. It was also me not respecting and believing in the other person.
What does a codependent who lives in chaos do when there is none? Well, you create some in your mind. They were just little things like me experiencing an emotion or thought and immediately asking myself, “Why did you have that thought? Well, this means you are probably a horrible person! How do we eradicate this? You probably should not be around people.”
When I noticed my patterns and began making changes, it made sense why I cried and felt so alone when I sat in silence. Those were times of withdrawal from codependency and chaos; my mind would scream out, “No! I need chaos to prove myself. No! I need to show I’m worthy! Why won’t you let me create something!” What am I doing in those moments? I sit, breathe through it and remind myself I am safe. Then I ask myself, “What can you be doing right now that brings you peace?”
Just an F.Y.I., sitting and breathing through it takes Practice – it, unfortunately, or fortunately, doesn’t just happen. So, when I say I sit and breathe through it, I use my practice. Practice. We’re talking about practice.
No matter the chaos around me, I will always be safe because I create my reality. For so long, I have created chaos to fit my environment’s energy or my insecurities. As I removed myself from the game, I realized I have always been safe – I just believed the lie that I am not. So, you see how you may become undone because you try to continue the life you lived before your awakening and healing journey? It creates so much upset.
That feeling where your mind, body, and soul feels like it’s fighting to stay out of a pattern; it feels like you are learning to float in a large body of water. I had drowned before and came close to death, so learning to float feels terrifying. But, I know that I float when I breathe, let go, and let things do what they’re meant to. Not to sound like Pennywise the Clown here, but you’ll all float too🎈.
We’re all designed to float; we’ll do that by feeling everything and letting it go. Both can exist.
Erica Chinise Art 