Control is a Fantasy

“Control’s not easy. Control’s a fucking fantasy.” – Toni Shalifoe, The Wilds season 1.

These past few months have been tough, and I’m sure you’re feeling it in your life as well.

Things have not happened to me directly, but they have happened to the ones I love and therefore feel personal. When things happen to family, it makes you want to take it on as your stress and pain to eradicate. If you’re like me, something can happen to a stranger and you want to take that on too. How draining is that? 😮‍💨

The truth is, yes it hurts because these are people we love, but whose life is it anyway? Can you walk for this person? Can you breathe for this person? No.

Making that realization for myself is painful. You’re telling me I have no control over my little brother getting mental help? I have no control when it comes to him staying in a homeless shelter for his safety? Well, shit.

I tried to convince myself I have control here, but life, mainly my brother’s life, and Spirit reminded me I do not. If I walk for him, how will he learn his lessons and gain his wisdom? If I walk for him, who’s walking for my life? Now it’s not to say I have zero control – I have a lot of control over myself and that is extremely powerful.

It was a sad realization but also a powerful one because I began to understand if I control myself, then I can control my actions. If I control my actions, I can practice not putting myself in stressful situations. For example, I put myself in a position to put my control where it doesn’t fit and that brings tons of suffering.

I began dropping the fantasy of control and doing only what I can do. It’s either that or I continue to suffer. Having this acceptance of life and myself helps me understand that people are on their path just like me.

Just like me, other people are taken care of. What’s to happen will happen, even if it looks completely different to what I hope for. It doesn’t mean I’m sitting back as calm as can be.

I may have shaky jazz knees while I’m walking because of the uncertainty, but I’m walking.

EricaChinise