As most of you know, as I create my art, I learn more about myself. What I’m learning today? I no longer like to use the word “Deserve”.
As I walk on my healing path, I realize words are being erased from my vocabulary. If they are not erased, then I find them hard to use. It doesn’t fit who I am today.
The first words that were erased? “Good” and “bad”. Now, I’m not saying I don’t use the words “good and bad” to describe how tasteful a dish is or how amazing a movie is. But, not for human behavior, actions, or mental and emotional states. I’ve come to realize just how complex life, energy, the world, and humans are.
So, to simply label something as good or bad just seemed wrong. There’s much more to humans and life than those words. There’s more to our experiences in life. There’s trauma, pain, and fear. There’s joy, excitement, and love. So how can we simply slap on “bad or good” to a certain action that has many roots??
The new word that is trying to erase itself from my vocabulary? Deserve. When I was experiencing pain mentally, emotionally or physically, I would shout to the heavens, “I’m a good person. I don’t deserve this. I deserve better than this.” But what is the word deserve?
Deserve is when we do or show something that we’re worthy of, whether it’s punishment or praise. We’re all worthy of love, intimacy, understanding, and empathy. But, we all don’t experience that at times. We’re all worthy of punishment for an action that we have just partaken in. Yet not all of us experience that.
I noticed it doesn’t stop us from using this word as if the rules and laws of the universe are going to bend for us. Energy reacts to energy. Sometimes, growth, understanding, and lessons desperately need to take place.
I’m learning that even when I believe and act with knowing my worth, I can still receive specific energy that makes me question, “why is this happening? I’m a good person. I deserve more”. Sometimes, there are bigger things at work. Life does not revolve around me. The laws won’t bend my way, at least not all the time.
It’s also important to understand that there is an opportunity to learn a lesson and gain understanding in every situation. Maybe this situation is offering wisdom to help me be where I need to be.
So how do we step away from the word deserve? Go within to understand your shadows and triggers and love yourself. After doing this myself (many times), I find gratitude and understanding in every situation that I’m in. I gain understanding of the lessons in those moments.
You begin to have an understanding of your place within it. Within this, you experience calmness, stillness, peace, and gratitude.
Nothing is personal. Instead, it simply holds up a mirror for us to challenge what we see in ourselves. There are many opportunities to grow and be where you need to be. Sometimes (almost all the time) the road will not look how you’ve imagined. You must be open.
My next post will have the results of this drawing and how it encouraged me to disconnect from everything, and my identities, and take a leap into the void.
Erica Chinise Art 