Presence Is Not Something You Search For, But Something You Have To BE

Your healing work is a secure foundation for every step you take. Trust it.

“Just be present” is thrown around like it’s as easy as breathing – It’s not. 

I recently took a class that awakened me to understand “Be Present” a bit more. I understood my fear of it.

“All my life I had to fight..” – Oprah Winfrey, The Color Purple

I was used to fighting to make others see I was worthy, beautiful, and belonging. Hell, I was trying to convince myself as well. How can I be present if my mind focuses on continuously trying to convince others I AM? 

I have been visited by the calming and beautiful energy of Presence. I could not seem to live in it; it flickered on and off like a light bulb. When I started the journey of Presence, I figured this light-bulb action wouldn’t last long because it’s just the beginning, and I was trying to figure it out – that was not the case. 

I felt stuck in this stage of searching for Presence. That light bulb soon stayed off. Why? Because I wanted to keep fighting. I was fighting to be seen and accepted. As a black queer woman, I believed I had a lot of convincing to do. If I am not convincing, then who will know I AM?

I am now back in the presence of Presence, realizing it is not something you search for but something you have to BE. It’s realizing I have no convincing to do at all. I learned all the healing I’ve done and continue to do is something I need to trust. Letting myself BE is understanding my healing work is my secure foundation for every step I take. 

I would not have understood how to “Be Present” if it weren’t for my path. I used to mentally and verbally shit on myself for taking too long to reach a point in my healing process. The truth is, the time you’re taking is what you probably need to take. Even if it is an area in your life where you know you need to move on, and you don’t because of fear, it is a place you need to be. Maybe there is something we need to learn to encourage us to move on, and it will motivate us to have the courage to do so again when required. We won’t understand before our time.

So, if “Be Present” isn’t sitting with you right now, ask yourself why. What is stopping you from the present? Don’t worry; it is not as easy as portrayed – there are quite a few steps to take before bathing in that energy. Honestly, I’m finding out the steps are continuous.

EricaChinise

Thriving in the Middle – “Wokeness” and “Cancel Culture”

Listening leads to understanding. Understanding leads to unity.

“Cancel Culture.” Sometimes it upsets me when I see or hear comments like, “the world is so soft now. We can’t say or do what we used to do, and everyone gets offended.” Then, simultaneously, I said something harmless when I wanted more information on a subject, and someone chewed me a new one. Do you know what’s fascinating and important? I understand both sides, and I came to that understanding by asking myself why I was so annoyed by both. 

Have you ever been in a troubling situation for most of your life and begun to understand just how amazing and important you are? I’m sure most have experienced that or will at some point in their lives. I would never speak up for myself and say what I wanted – this led to people trampling over me. Now, I’m pretty vocal about what I need and want.

Getting from fear and anger to happiness and peace doesn’t come at the snap of a finger. There’s the realization of your pain and suffering, and then there’s anger and sadness, then there’s the space where everyone, and I mean everyone, is getting a dose of the new you even when they’re harmless.

Why? I believe it’s because we are moving with the pain, suffering, anger, and sadness, and we’re fed up. We’re saying, “I won’t allow you to treat me this way anymore.” Most of us get stuck in that first step or process where we understand the pain we’ve gone through and we’re taking action with the anger. It’s important to remember there are still some steps to take, there’s still healing that’s needed so we are not stuck in that first step. If not, then yes, we will find we “attack” everyone.

By the way, this doesn’t only come with “Big Trauma” but with “little trauma.” For example, maybe your whole life, your family and friends have made fun of your appearance or how you speak. For years, you put on a brave face, laugh, and “take a joke” because you know it’s what they expect of you. It also shows you are tough and have a “good sense of humor,” right? But inside, it hurts even a little – it starts to build up. 

Right now, I am experiencing my mother backing away from some regions of motherhood with her adult children after feeling she’s sacrificed herself and her happiness for 28 years. Without the understanding surrounding this subject, I would not know how to give my mother space to figure out what she needs and how to walk with it. Additionally, I wouldn’t understand how to cater to my needs.

 Just as we can experience this individually, we can encounter this as a society as well – this is currently happening. For example, oppression is alive for women, people of color, and queer folks. After so many years of this, we are all saying, “No more.” 

As we find self-power and stand up for ourselves, we must also remember there’s a learning curve here, and we’re responsible for healing ourselves. We walk through these murky waters with this new power and try to understand how to Be within a society that breeds fear and trauma. In the beginning, we are in protective mode, and our shield is up against everyone. But we slowly begin finding our way and understand how to speak and educate others with love, not anger and fear—even those who seem to have all the rage in the world.

When you see something and feel you need to say, “People are trying to cancel culture” or “People are too soft,” remember you know nothing of what this person has gone through. If this person wants the respect of their pronoun or begs for true equality, ask how you can understand the problem instead of bashing them. 

If you cannot, it is time to ask yourself this question – What part of myself do I see in this situation? Because, after all, we are responding to life based on our personal experiences. 

If “cancel culture” is putting a stop to sexism, homophobia, bullying, and racism, why is that a problem for you?

Also, when we awaken to our self-power and begin to stop the abuse, what healing work are we doing to understand ourselves further so we can feel safe and understand others who disagree with us? Understanding doesn’t mean you have to abandon yourself and agree with them; it just means you know there are many different ways to live a life.

This can breed respect and change.

EricaChinise

People Will Question Who You’re Becoming. Heal Anyways.

When the control of others creeps in, double down on living your truth because it’s you that has to walk this path – Not them.

When we begin to think of ourselves and live for ourselves, many of us feel guilty. We feel as if we’re doing something wrong and we’re abandoning the others in our lives.

Those feelings are understandable because we are taught to put others before ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I’m learning I cannot be for someone else if I am not here for myself.

Of course, I’m not saying disregard everyone else and cease to care – No. When we make ourselves the priority (mental & emotional health, boundaries, etc.), we begin to understand how to care for and understand others even more.

That sounds a little terrifying, doesn’t it? “Make ourselves the priority”. Sit with yourself and ask why that is your reaction. Why don’t you have the right to respect your happiness? Why don’t you have the right to peace?

A good question to ask yourself is, “Who’s life am I living?”

You’ve probably wondered, “But what about so and so? Will they be okay?” Well just as you have your life, they have theirs. Just as you have a right to your path, life, and lessons, they have theirs. Just as you deserve to live your life, they deserve to live theirs – let them.

A question that I think about often is how can I possibly understand how to love someone if I can’t give that to myself.

I struggled with codependency. Now, I wasn’t what they call a stage five clinger -I was more of stage two or three. I was also a people pleaser and disregarded my needs for others. Without my shadow work of codependency, how will I know how to understand and love someone else in that same place?

It’s like the Rumi quote, “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

How beautiful it is when we understand the power of self-healing – it is so contagious.

EricaChinise

Walk, Don’t Run

We rush to complete tasks in our lives as if there is an end. The beauty is there is no end; therefore, there’s no need to rush. Take your time.

The light at the end of the tunnel extends inward and illuminates what it touches. As you walk closer to that light, you begin to understand it gradually illuminates you instead of immediately engulfing you. We run as if we will have the entirety of the light on us in the next step.

Can you imagine if we saw the light at the end of the tunnel and, in a blink of an eye, we were fully illuminated by its beauty? Would we even fully understand it? One second we are in the dark, and the next, in light. Would we know what to do with it? Would we be able to handle it?

I don’t believe we would understand what to do at the end of the tunnel without the shadows and lessons we walk through on our way there. How would I know how to handle a present situation without the incident in my past?

Think about this: The light at the end of the tunnel is your reflection while walking on your journey.

The light at the end of the tunnel is your light getting brighter as you journey through this tunnel.

Sometimes it helps to know this is a lifelong (sometimes multiple lives) journey. Rushing through this is like having the dream of running down a hall, but after all that work, you seem to be getting nowhere. We try to get so much done at once, and most of the time, we’re not doing what we’re supposed to do. Or we’re not where we’re supposed to be.

So, take your time – walk, don’t run. Yes, I’m gonna say it – Life is a journey, not a destination.

EricaChinise

Instead of Walking, Take A Step.

You came to see what has to go. Now it’s time to grow out of what is your mind and soul right now. It’s time to go.

Yes, those chilling words you speak to your soul, your heart, and your feet -“It’s time to go.” Does anyone else feel the energy flow to their legs cease? Maybe some back and leg pain to go with it? Yep 🥲.

The Kidneys and adrenals release fear and perhaps that root chakra is feeling the change in its stability and security. These are all valid and, for me, I’ve come to realize this reaction is because I am walking away from what I’ve known my whole life.

I’m leaving behind those patterns I knew to protect me. I’m leaving behind what I knew worked for me or kept me safe.

I received the call the grow – I’m sure you all did as well. I said, “Yeah okay, let’s do it.” only to find out I can’t take my patterns and safety net with me because it doesn’t fit the person I’m awakening to. I’m noticing those patterns I created for protection are now damaging and I’m noticing my little safety box has become a suffocating and claustrophobic one. These things are not only harming me but the relationships around me.

What’s so unnerving about the time to move is most of the time the destination is unknown. Most of the time we don’t know what we’re moving to, but we know the action is essential.

Most people will express to move anyway though they feel all the fear and anxiety. Well, I’m going to say the same thing, but I’m also going to recommend sitting with this feeling before you move. We know what our soul is craving, but how about understanding why we don’t want to move in that direction?

I have a fear of stepping into myself and the work that comes with it, and I have a fear of no control (who doesn’t?). What are the comforting things that keep me from moving?

For me? Predictability. If I stay where I am, I know what’s to come – in some form anyways. To me, predictability is a form of safety and control. I have so much anxiety about the unknown and being out of control. But a lot of life is unknown and understanding the only control you have is yourself. So, I’m asking myself, how can I move and understand I’m safe?

I trust that I’m guided to where I need to be. But sometimes just having trust is scary. Where can I find that predictability in my life? I look for it in my routines. I know I’m going to wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, shower, meditate, eat breakfast, and take my vitamins. I know that I plan to be at work to see my clients. I search for that control in my mental & physical actions and the little things in my daily life.

I know that some of these things may change a bit, but I can still predict these things will come to be. I know I have control over myself. Now, the only thing left to do is to move. When I do that and see I’m still here, I take another step.

What are your fears and how can they help you understand what you need to take a step?

EricaChinise

You’re Mentally & Spiritually Outgrowing People and Places Around You.

“You’re not depressed, you’ve just mentally outgrown the people and places around you, and as a result, you feel alienated.”

How many are feeling this currently? 🙋🏾‍♀️

At this moment, it feels like a massive shift in life – “Change is happening” is said a lot, I know, because it is life. What’s different about this change? It doesn’t feel huge, but deeper this time – A soulful change. When there is a soulful change, you feel it in your heart, bones, tissues, soul, and spirit. To be clear, I do not believe you are changing as a person, but everything around you is changing to encourage you to awaken to your true self.

Usually, when change is happening, we receive it in rounds, and we can take a breather. Now, there is no pause. It is one hit after the other, and I believe it is happening that way because this is how it’ll be, and we will adapt to it – in other words, we’ll begin to let changes happen and walk into ourselves. 

Here’s something to think about: All this will end when you end.

 When a significant change occurs, the food doesn’t taste the same, the things that once kept you comfortable aren’t doing their job anymore, and the people and places you once felt “ok” around feel like hell. 

So what is one to do when they feel this change trying to push its way into their lives? 

  • Pay attention to how you feel and how you react. You not only feel the change happening, but you deeply understand that it needs to happen to further anything that needs to be. You may feel panicked, frightened, saddened, and angry. 
  • Once you acknowledge the emotion felt due to change, step away and sit with yourself. The most profound question you can ask yourself is, “Why?” Ask, “Why am I feeling these things?” 
  • When you feel the root of this panicked emotion, encourage yourself not to run but to sit with it. Do not try to fix it, just sit with it. 
  • Begin to remind yourself that you are safe and why you are safe. For example, “I am safe because no matter the change, I am still here.” 

Changes are happening all around me with relationships and family issues. I panic when I need to let a healthy shift occur. Why? At times, I fear abandonment, and I feel alone. Why? That abandonment makes me think I am not “worth it” to those people. Why? Well, my father abandoned me at a young age, and I learned to cling to the people I love, and I learned to convince myself if these people leave, it means I am nothing. 

I understand that is not true, but your body feels the trauma repeating while in a triggering situation. So, those anxieties and thoughts arise.

When I feel those emotions at that moment, I go through the steps I mentioned above – sometimes mentally, if I can’t step away. I remind myself that I am safe. I remind myself it is not me being left alone but others trying to figure out their life. I do not constantly need someone else here to convince myself and others that I exist and am essential -when they’re not around, I am still here, living and being beautiful energy. 

A few days ago, I took a step back and saw how my patterns, anxieties, and trauma created tension in some of my relationships. I saw how my fears kept me from living and clinging to others. 

It is sometimes hard to turn around during hard times and say, “I appreciate this lesson and change.” It is hard, but I find myself doing it each time because I feel the benefit of change around me. So, at this moment, I am turning around to appreciate this lesson and understand how things need to happen in a certain way to encourage me to understand. 

Now, I understand the fearful and stressful life as I know it will end when I end because I was/am the creator of the stress and kept myself in it. 

Think of how many beautiful healed connections you will begin to open yourself up to and how many relationships will evolve. 

EricaChinise

Control is a Fantasy

“Control’s not easy. Control’s a fucking fantasy.” – Toni Shalifoe, The Wilds season 1.

These past few months have been tough, and I’m sure you’re feeling it in your life as well.

Things have not happened to me directly, but they have happened to the ones I love and therefore feel personal. When things happen to family, it makes you want to take it on as your stress and pain to eradicate. If you’re like me, something can happen to a stranger and you want to take that on too. How draining is that? 😮‍💨

The truth is, yes it hurts because these are people we love, but whose life is it anyway? Can you walk for this person? Can you breathe for this person? No.

Making that realization for myself is painful. You’re telling me I have no control over my little brother getting mental help? I have no control when it comes to him staying in a homeless shelter for his safety? Well, shit.

I tried to convince myself I have control here, but life, mainly my brother’s life, and Spirit reminded me I do not. If I walk for him, how will he learn his lessons and gain his wisdom? If I walk for him, who’s walking for my life? Now it’s not to say I have zero control – I have a lot of control over myself and that is extremely powerful.

It was a sad realization but also a powerful one because I began to understand if I control myself, then I can control my actions. If I control my actions, I can practice not putting myself in stressful situations. For example, I put myself in a position to put my control where it doesn’t fit and that brings tons of suffering.

I began dropping the fantasy of control and doing only what I can do. It’s either that or I continue to suffer. Having this acceptance of life and myself helps me understand that people are on their path just like me.

Just like me, other people are taken care of. What’s to happen will happen, even if it looks completely different to what I hope for. It doesn’t mean I’m sitting back as calm as can be.

I may have shaky jazz knees while I’m walking because of the uncertainty, but I’m walking.

EricaChinise

Life is a Labyrinth

Life is a labyrinth – we continuously visit specific areas that encourage us to grow. What do you say to yourself at the beginning of each season and the end of another? “Fall came fast. I’m not ready to let go of summer.” or “I feel like I’m dealing with a lot emotionally, and I want to let it all go,” or even comments on how you feel physically, “My skin is dry. My arm and shoulder hurt. I have a dry cough”. Of course, we can say these year-round, but most say things like these at a particular time, like fall, other season changes, or when we pass specific areas in our labyrinth. We experience emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual energy every cycle, but during the autumn cycle, we all may be experiencing more grief, sadness, and letting go. Many of our emotions arise during season transitions because change is taking place, and change is hard.

Each time we pass through areas, we may react the same way. Why?

Our lives are labyrinths, and when we pass a specific area, we experience these emotions, physical things, thoughts, etc. Depending on what we did in the past and our labyrinth, we may look at that area from a different angle this time. Maybe during a specific time of year, we are constantly dealing with emotional stress caused by childhood trauma. Perhaps this time of year, the holidays are tough for you, and you haven’t noticed you are more depressed and angry while in this area of your labyrinth.

How long can these areas in our labyrinth last? I believe that depends on many things. This area may always exist as long as we are alive and as long as our soul feels it has work to do. How we respond to it and our different viewpoints when we return to that area matters. For example, maybe one year, you are deep within a situation, and it feels personal and hurtful. Two years later, because of that experience and others, you were encouraged to work on healing. You find yourself in the presence of a person or energy from that past incident. However, because of your recovery or other things you’ve done, you are viewing it from a new angle that allows you to feel peace or see other people’s sides in that situation. Or maybe this new angle encourages you to respond with more anger and hate – that depends on you and how you walk your labyrinth.

What do most of us say when we cycle back to that area? “I thought I was done with this,” or “How long do I have to deal with this? I already handled this.” I’ve learned we will continue to visit this energy, or it’ll present itself, so long as there is something for us to understand. Even after we’ve learned all we can, it may still be there, and we will find our way to it in our labyrinth. What’s beautiful to notice is how differently you react when you come in contact with that area each time. Sometimes we react quicker and recover quickly, or maybe we continue to get stuck in that area. Write it down – seriously, journal every time you make a connection with the energy. When it comes around next time, look back at your writing and see if you are doing the same things or responding differently to this part of your cycle. 

The cycles and areas are interesting. They can come a few times a year, once a year, or even once every seven years. I had a dream where Spirit walked me through releasing the authentic energy of each organ in my body. All organs released their power nicely. However, the Mind was tricky (it always is). I tried many things to help the Mind understand its potential and power when connected to all other organs. Finally, I gave up and said to Spirit, “I don’t think I will ever be able to convince Mind it is here.” Spirit responded, “You can.” While my eyes were still on Mind, I asked, “How?” I did not hear a response, so I asked again, “How?” while turning to face Spirit. She was in my face, and hers was no more; instead, it was the cosmos. She said, “By remembering where you came from!” Seven years later, I have another visit from Spirit during a troubling time in my life that carries the same energy as it did seven years ago. Spirit said, “I’m going to show you my raw form.” I saw myself first, and then I saw beautiful bright energy. Spirit said, “You are me, and I am you. I am Spirit, and you are Spirit.” Ah, yes, the message of remembering where I come from and walking as I know. 

Finding yourself in the thick of your labyrinth can be challenging while journaling and contemplating. However, I firmly believe that journaling can give you a clear enough mind to think of what causes this energy cycle and what causes you to react the way you do. 

Our labyrinths and cycles are inevitable. The best we can do is understand them to walk through them smoothly – whatever that may be.

EricaChinise

The Best Soul-wich Food in Mt. Vernon, Ohio

I’m currently on a bikepacking trip (OTET – 330 miles) biking from Cincinnati to Cleveland – yep, it’s wild and also Amazing.

My friends and I visited this small city in Ohio called Mt. Vernon – if you’re ever driving (or biking 😊) through Ohio, you should stop there. After a long 40 miles, we were happy to find a sandwich shop, but I honestly got something better than food.

There was a man at the cash register who was a bright light. I ordered a sub with gluten-free bread and I thought I said no cheese. When I received my food, it came loaded with cheese. I went to him and said, “I thought I said ‘No cheese, I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry”.

He looked straight into my eyes and said, “Don’t you ever apologize. Don’t apologize for taking care of yourself. You’re trying to look out for your health. Never apologize for yourself and who you are.” I was like shit, man you’re right.

I’ve apologized for so much in my life and it’s always been for who I am, or my trying to care for myself. Why? Because I put others before me, but I can’t complete any work by doing that now can I?

He then went on to tell my friends and me, “I’m not here for me. I’m on this earth for others too. We all are.” Man. I see your light and you just encouraged mine to shine brighter.

Everyone needs a dose of this light at Daves Cosmic Subs in Mt Vernon, Ohio. The food is good, but just go in for the energy – haha.

I have a saying: If there’s something you need to say, say it. You think no one is listening, but all it takes is that one person. Your words may inspire the next MLK, Ghandi, or Maya Angelou.

EricaChinise

The Name of the Game: Live in Chaos

Have you ever felt so emotional that one thing could make all of your locked chambers of emotion blow? Do you feel close to what may give you relief but can’t grasp it for some reason? Then you see that that “some reason” is you? Or maybe you hide that from yourself.

For the past few weeks, I’ve cried out loud alone and even balled my eyes out in public places. Don’t mind me while I’m in this restaurant wailing and shoving salmon in my mouth. The image you have right now is more than likely how it looked.

So, where are the bursts of tears coming from and the cries for help? I finally realize it is a detachment that I seek. I craved detachment. I want to be detached from everything that introduces chaos in my life. That includes me. Wait, what? Yes, me!

I finished reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and, let me tell ya, I saw myself in Every chapter. I’m sure you felt the same for anyone else who has read the book. You probably share my reactions, “Wow, these people need to do some shadow work and self-exploring.” Then, “Oh damn… I am people.”

I’m not saying to lock my feelings away in a well and hide the key. I’m saying I’m creating detachment from the patterns I’ve created for safety. I’m making healthy detachments from others in my life – It means you’re there loving the person and respecting your peace and their life. It means you do not try to live their lives for them.

I’m sure that stress, drama, and trauma are in every family. But, man, my family has been in overdrive for the past few months. Honestly, I believe “Live in Chaos” is the name of the game for my family, but it may feel worse for me because the changes I make for myself do not have room for chaos – This encouraged me to turn to “Codependent No More.”

As I read Melody’s book, I realized I kept myself around chaos. It didn’t matter who it was from – family, friends, Ash, who lives down the street, Will Smith, etc. I put myself into the chaos because it did two things: It made me feel wanted and needed, even though it wrecked my peace, and it allowed me to prove to others and myself that I am worthy of love and greatness. For so long, I believed I stuck around others’ chaos because I was a caretaker and a savior, but it turns out it was me not respecting and loving myself. It was also me not respecting and believing in the other person.

What does a codependent who lives in chaos do when there is none? Well, you create some in your mind. They were just little things like me experiencing an emotion or thought and immediately asking myself, “Why did you have that thought? Well, this means you are probably a horrible person! How do we eradicate this? You probably should not be around people.”

When I noticed my patterns and began making changes, it made sense why I cried and felt so alone when I sat in silence. Those were times of withdrawal from codependency and chaos; my mind would scream out, “No! I need chaos to prove myself. No! I need to show I’m worthy! Why won’t you let me create something!” What am I doing in those moments? I sit, breathe through it and remind myself I am safe. Then I ask myself, “What can you be doing right now that brings you peace?”

Just an F.Y.I., sitting and breathing through it takes Practice – it, unfortunately, or fortunately, doesn’t just happen. So, when I say I sit and breathe through it, I use my practice. Practice. We’re talking about practice.

No matter the chaos around me, I will always be safe because I create my reality. For so long, I have created chaos to fit my environment’s energy or my insecurities. As I removed myself from the game, I realized I have always been safe – I just believed the lie that I am not. So, you see how you may become undone because you try to continue the life you lived before your awakening and healing journey? It creates so much upset.

That feeling where your mind, body, and soul feels like it’s fighting to stay out of a pattern; it feels like you are learning to float in a large body of water. I had drowned before and came close to death, so learning to float feels terrifying. But, I know that I float when I breathe, let go, and let things do what they’re meant to. Not to sound like Pennywise the Clown here, but you’ll all float too🎈.

We’re all designed to float; we’ll do that by feeling everything and letting it go. Both can exist.